Pele Awakens

In the spirit of The Secret here are some of the things I am trying:

• Saying “thank you” as I get out of bed.  I am trying the method of saying “thank” when I step with one foot and “you” when I step with the other.  I am grateful for the day and the possibilities.  This does seem to put me in a better mindset.
• Visualizing - I have been visualizing my life as I want it to be.  For example, I am really hoping to get transferred to a job site closer to home.  I have asked the universe for that, I believe that it will happen, and this morning in the shower I closed my eyes and pictured myself getting in my car, taking the shorter route to the job site, entering the building, going up the stairs, and going into my new office.  It was fun, at least!
• Trying to get out of the “fat” mindset.  Instead, I am telling my self that I am thin and healthy.  Just stopping the negative body thoughts is helping me to make better food choices.  I am not beating myself up so bad.

In other news, I went for a hike with the family yesterday, and we took a really difficult path that was very steep.  I just kept telling myself that I could do it (especially while watching my 6 year old climb like a mountain goat), and I took it in small bits.  It was really tough, and took 2 hours, but I felt great for having done it.

Yea, me!

Now I have to figure out what my “March Health Resolution” is going to be.  I am doing pretty well with Fiber January and Vitamin February.  hmmm….maybe I should do Mediation March.  I already did it a little in the shower today!

I had heard of this book last year, and never really got into it. I decided to read it, and, while it is a little bit hokey, I am going to try out some of the techniques. The general idea is the “Law of Attraction”.

Essentially you ask for what you desire, then believe it is coming to you, then receive it. The example that worked the best for me is ordering something from a catalog. You ask for it, and then you believe it is coming, and then you behave as if you have it (or receive it).

So, for example, when it comes to health you say, “I want to be healthy inside and out.” Then, “I am healthy inside and out.” Finally, you visualize yourself doing all sorts of healthy things.

I like it. It seems pretty simple, and I have already used it today. The mantra from the book that I am focusing on is time. Instead of saying, “I never have enough time.” I am saying to myself, “I have an abundance of time to do everything I want to do.” The idea is that you will “attract” time, because that is what you are putting out into the universe.

In the realm of health, also, I am not going to say, “I need to lose weight”, instead: “I am beautiful and thin, and I eat to sustain me.” This will attract “thin.”

Good times.

M and I went hiking with the kids yesterday - just a quick 2 mile round trip.  Amid all the whining for water and food, I really did enjoy being outside and moving.  I tend to get very housebound, and know that I should go out more.  I

t’s one of those things (like going to the gym, or sex) that you may not feel like doing, but then once you are doing it you remember how much you like it and how good it makes you feel.

 I need to do this sort of thing more - it is good for my mental health.  I realized in the shower last night that I truly had not thought about work the entire weekend.  I took a two day break - both mentally and physically.  It doesn’t feel so bad to be at work today because I actually feel some what restored.

I am a professional.  Sometimes, my job requires me to view horrific crime scene photos.  Frequently, we view these in a group, as we are discussing the merits of the case.

Today I viewed images of a woman split in two by a car.

 Sometimes we make jokes to ease the tension. 

Heard today:

           “I think we have a split decision about what to do with this.”

           “I don’t think that victim has a leg to stand on.”

I know - tacky tacky tacky.  If the next of kin could hear us - they would be extremely pissed.

But, here’s the deal.  We couldn’t do what we do without cutting through the tension from time to time.  And, if we didn’t do this job no one else would. 

And if we didn’t do our jobs - there would be MANY MORE pissed off next of kin family members.

So, for our own mental health - we have to laugh.

Let’s see -

I got my period when I was 11

I am now 30

That’s 19 years (18 months of which was spent pregnant - hence, no period)

Average age of menopause - 51

That’s right - 21 more FUCKING years.

Not that I am saying that I WANT to stop ovulating - because, I really don’t.  After all - it is the only time my husband can count on getting laid.

But, seriously - my tubes are ligated (is that the “medical” term?), I’m not popping out any more babies - do I really need a period?

Because - ever since my daughter was born I have a period every 21-28 FUCKING days.  And, it lasts for about 5-7 days.  Preceded by 2-3 days of raging hormones, mood swings, cramping, and back pain.

Not to mention the bloating.

Oh, the bloating.

That’s 1/4 of my life that I spend

“on the rag”

“visited by Aunt Flo”

“menstruating”

“washing out clothes that are stained because Super Plus Tampons don’t always do the trick after having two babies and a retroverted uterus.”  (too much information???)

For the next 21 years.

That’s at least 5 solid years full of tampony days.

Ugh.

Now that I have been back to work for a week, I have started to slack off of some of my “health” plan.  I am not doing so good with the daily fiber thing - I plan to get that back on track today.  I have two cups of Fiber One (which, by the way, is really pretty good) sitting on my desk, and I plan to snack on it today.

 I am also trying to get the vitamins back on track - I have gotten at least half of them (I take two doses) in the last few days - now I need to get back up to twice a day.  They make such a difference with energy levels, etc. 

 I am reading You! Staying Young.  So far, I really like it.  It is the book that the recent Oprah was about, and it gives you the science behind the things they suggest.

 I am also reading Leaving the Saints.  It is GREAT, and really gives me insight into Martha Beck.  I have always liked her advice, and now it is interesting to see where she is coming from. 

Today, I feel a bit of a cold coming on.  We order lunch in at work on staff meeting days - so I ordered a spicy salad - something somewhat healthy, and something spicy which always makes me feel better when I am getting sick.

Yesterday was my first day back to work, and I could feel myself being sucked back into the vortex.  I was tired by 9:00 AM - I guess I am still “recovering” from surgery.

 The whole point of going through this surgery and recovery was to learn something.  Once I knew the tumor was benign - I thought:

      well, that’s good.  but, what else am I going to get out of these two weeks?

I really enjoyed (for the most part) the time at home with my family.  I watched a lot of TV, and as cliche as it sounds, an episode of Oprah really got to me.  It was all about the “law of attraction”.  I decided I wanted to read some books, and start to work on my life in a more focused way. 

 The other thing I realized is that (now make sure you’re sitting down, because this might be a big shocker)

      being sick sucks.

Okay - that’s obvious, but, I realized that I am not taking great care of my self.  I was also exposed to Dr. Oz (yes, on Oprah again.  yes, I understand I am a walking cliche) and his plan for aging well and being healthy. 

 So, I decided to try to integrate his “plan” into my life. 

In January, I decided to make just one small change.  Every other time I had made some pledge to myself about a diet or exercise plan, I had majorly let myself down.

I decided to take it in steps.

January - eat my daily recommended fiber.  So, every day (most of the time…) I eat a very fiber rich breakfast. 

I couldn’t believe what a pain in the ass it was for me to make JUST THIS ONE LITTLE CHANGE.  

But, overall, I would say that at least 5 days a week I have the fiber rich breakfast.  It’s helped a lot, too.  I am not as hungry, and I don’t get as many “digestive disturbances” as  I used to.

February - vitamins.  This has been pretty easy - even for someone who doesn’t really like taking pills.  I noticed a difference in my energy levels almost immediately.  I think that I was very vitamin deficient, and I have noticed a small difference.

March - I don’t know yet… Dr. Oz has several other components to his “plan.”   I could start a daily meditation.  Or maybe *yack* exercise.  I could go with M’s personal favorite component of the Dr. Oz health plan: sex 2-3 times per week.  

In addition, I am trying to start on my personal, spiritual, emotional side as well.  I am not an unhappy person, but I feel like I could be better.  I want to read A New Earth, but it is not available at the library right now, and I am trying not to buy it.  (did I mention my financial goals = not buying stuff I can get for free).  I do have the same author’s book: The Power of Now, and I am about a chapter into that.  I feel like I need to read it again, and then start practicing some of what he suggests….more on that to come.

So, that is a baseline of where I am at right now. 

Speaking of where I am at right now - time to get back to work.

I waited for the biopsy results.

And waited.

And about a week later I found out…

nothing.

Inconclusive.

“suspicious follicular cells on the 4 cm tumor.”

Surgery needed.

We scheduled it for January 29.

I filled out FMLA paperwork and scheduled 2 weeks off.

My mom came to take care of me the kids.

I continued to try to convince myself that it was benign, while worrying about the possibility it was malignant.

January 29 finally came. Surgery went fine - everything was benign. The tumor was huge though - it went from the center point of my neck just above my collar bone all the way up to my jaw on the left side.

I was sore.

And tired.

And scarred.

And relieved.

And I had two weeks off from work.

What was I going to have to show for my two weeks?

I turned 30 in September, 2007. Everything was going fine, not perfect, but fine. I had (and still have) a great husband, a great job, and two amazing kids.  I was unhappy about my weight, but had been since before I was even married.

My birthday wasn’t completely successful, though.  My husband was going through some mental health issues, and his new doctor had put him on new anti-anxiety meds which were making him a little loopy.  Needless to say, all he did for my birthday was put a card on the kitchen counter.

Better luck next year, huh?

I moved along into October, and got a bad cold.  My throat was swollen, etc…  A couple of weeks after it had passed, I noticed a lump in my lower neck.  I asked M (husband) what he thought.  (not like he is a doctor, or anything…just a first year nursing student)  He thought - well, maybe just swollen glands.

I didn’t think much of it, but it didn’t go away.  On morning in November I woke up with horrible neck pain (unrelated to the lump) and went to my PCP.  As she was feeling the back of my neck, she noticed the lump on my throat.

“have you noticed this before?”   she asked.

“yeah, for about 6 weeks…but I didn’t think much of it.”  I told her.

“well, it is probably nothing, but it feels like a nodule on your thyroid.  I want to you to have an ultrasound just to check it out.”  That is what she said.

“oh my god I have thyroid cancer” (this is what I thought).

Here is what I said,

“okay, sure.”

I tried to remain calm about it - statistically it was nothing - just a benign lump.  I just can’t help worrying about worst case scenarios.

A week or two later I had the ultrasound, and got a call back from my doctor.

“Pele, I want you to go see a surgeon.  Your ultrasound results were inconclusive.  It looks like the lump is solid, and so I want a specialist to evaluate you.”

Outstanding.

Ugh.  Did I mention that I got this news just as I was starting a big presentation at work.  I called the specialist, set up an appointment, and went in and gave my presentation.

Two days later, I was seeing the specialist, Dr. H.  I didn’t really like him at that first meeting.  He had a thick accent and was wearing a mask - I guess maybe he had a cold or the flu.

He sent me for a biopsy, and explained that while this is very likely benign, we need to check it out.  If it is malignant (UGH!!) it should be very treatable.

By the way - treatable would mean: no more thyroid, radiation, medication for the rest of my life.

GREAT.

Two days after Christmas I had the biopsy.  I can’t really describe it, and don’t want to, except - it sucked, and hurt, and then I had to wait for the results…